How to kick a man when he’s down

7 06 2011

Every day on my way to the bus stop on the bridge, I pass a beggar mid-way up the stairs. His patter is the same each time, at least in winter:

“Spare any change?” “Spare any change, sir?”

I make eye contact, shake my head and say “No, sorry” as I pass him every day.

Come summer, if you are conspicuously young, female and unaccompanied (as with most street harrassment, the provocation is daring to be female in a public space and without your owner), the following is directed at you:

“Take me home”

This was semi-tragic the first two times I heard the line; the next twenty were more wearisome. I pass by pointedly ignoring him while fuming inwardly, and other women do the same. I wonder if the other women also fume at their own fumingness (like I do) for daring to feel angry towards a homeless person. I guess I’m evil. Still, he can breathe a sigh of relief that I’m more of the ‘Terry’s’ and less of the ‘Clockwork’ persuasion when it comes to my oranges.

Why can’t he be like the famous and charming One Pound Man of Harlesden? He’d ask everyone that went past him for one pound. He even adjusted for inflation, evolving (like a Pokemon) into Two Pounds Man. I was happy to do business with a professional like One/Two Pound(s) Man.

Today I chose a slightly different route around the bridge, approaching from an angle that might make it less obvious that a woman is rushing past:

“Spare any change?”

I ignored him.

“Choose to be ignorant?”

“…” (Subtitle: How fucking presumptuous you *Insert swear that transcends all other swears here* )

I’m reminded of my ex-colleague’s tactic of dealing with rude beggars:

“Gimme some change.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a tight bitch.”





Hamster’s Day Out

1 04 2011

When I was small my mum (a nurse) casually mentioned to the sister of her ward (a crazy Swedish lady) that my sister and I had just got a pet hamster. Crazy Swedish lady insisted that we simply must bring the hamster to the hospital as soon as possible in order to cheer up the sick men in her care.

Cue me and my sister dropping little hammy into the laps of amused AIDS patients while crazy Swedish lady shrieked excitedly, over and over:

“LOOK EVERYBODY! LOOK AT THE ALSATIAN!”





Life Drawing For Beginners

27 05 2010




Biro

27 04 2010




Portrait of a James

31 03 2010

My flatmate James insists that if I don’t post an entry for the month of March, my blog is dead. So with this in mind, I have decided to use this date to announce a new set of blog entries entitled ‘Portrait of a James’. These will run alongside the art classes I am starting later next month.

The first in the series will be a Life Drawing. I’ll bust in on him in the shower taking him by surprise, sketch him quickly as I monitor the bemusement on his face melting into pure, unbridled anger and then I’ll run off far, far into the distance before my name can be put on some kind of register that will prevent me from ever working with 24 year old men again.

Aren’t you a lucky blogster? Yes you are! You are a lucky blogster.





The Duchess of Marlborough

27 02 2010

So here’s the Duchess of Marlborough, after a Sargent sketch (1904). Attempting to try and develop a sense of scaling and quality of line by reproducing these but end up going a bit cartoonish… unfortunately I rather like how it turned out!





Sketchbook

27 02 2010

Seeing as I will be starting drawing lessons in the spring, I thought I would limber up with a few sketches of friends, family and studies from books.

Here’s one to start, The Smoker (unfinished- cigarette not drawn in!)





Desk

3 02 2010

Once upon a time there lived a motivated young man named Andy. Andy created the ‘One a Day’ project, where a bunch of people willingly blog about one thing every day, for one year. His top tip for today is to write about your desk, so I’m going to write about mine.

As I look over from my hunched position perched on the edge of my bed with my laptop, I can just about see my desk. It’s a beautiful 3-tier oak lean-to that I’m slowly destroying with spilt beauty products and at the moment (predictably), it’s covered in all sorts of shit.

At the top- Novels, poetry collections, old physics textbooks, scraps of paper, books that look embarrassing but are quite enjoyable, a book I stole from my school library back in 1996 (Cider with Rosie), £50 of cash, a wooden elephant and some tools.

On the middle- A framed postcard of a vintage French tourism poster, a sabraged Krug bottle top (pilfered from my good friend Martin’s birthday party), jewellery, broaches, an epilator, a statuette of Tifa from FFVII, combs and hairbands.

Wot a corker!

Sabrage this!

On the main desk- A lamp, a Roberts DAB radio, myriad creams, a broken mirror, coasters, a tin (within which I keep the souls of enemies), my watch, more jewellery, lipstick, a loo roll, pencils, pens, sellotape, receipts, chocolate, ear plugs and a pair of leather gloves.





The Awful-o-Meter

24 01 2010

I’m a pretty fair person, but recently I’ve been thinking about whether there exists anyone more cretinous than my current neighbours.

Yes.

Let’s follow the flow chart.

***

YOU: “I’m pretty serious about my comedy.”

ME: hmm, this person could possibly be a twat but I’ll hear them out.

YOU: “Musical comedy is the lowest form of comedy.”

ME: OK…I like it, but each to their own…that’s a pretty bold statement, can you really bring me as much joy as Bill Bailey and Flight of the Conchords have done, no matter how much they stretch their material?

YOU: “Here’s my work.” (Subtext: It’s far too sophisticated for the likes of you)

ME: I have never seen or read anything quite so devoid of funny, even Horne & Corden

Conclusion: YOU MIGHT JUST BE AN AWFUL PERSON





Pub laureate

23 01 2010

Moved by both the sense of occasion and the promise of alcohol, confessional Twitter scribe mikeisbrill penned a birthday poem in honour of Yours Truly.

I think you’ll agree it’s very good, although with a little too much emphasis on my advanced age. I think you’ll also agree that it renders me very unemployable to anyone capable of using Google, and that I may need to change my name my deed poll to avoid fielding awkward questions.

Now, please…for the love of God, read Mike’s blog. He’s pretty desperate for more traffic and is now threatening to saturate the internet with photos of his naked form.








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